"Scoot down."

photo © Lon Casler Bixby

DR. NECCO FEELYA, M.D., DDS, OBGYN A.K.A Doctor Luv Ya To Death Answers all your questions about love and sex... and death.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I slept with a corpse that was at such a stage of decay that its species and gender were questionable. Is this normal for a guy my age? I'm 26

Dear, Questionable Decay,
What you describe is not normal. Stop touching yourself -- it makes your skin rot.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
What's the best position to stimulate a corpse?

Miss Shenary

Dear Miss Shenary,
They're dead. You couldn't stimute them with dynamite.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants to play dead during sex. But I'm more into wild kinky sex.

Signed, I won't play dead.

Dear, I won't play dead,
Try dating a Democrat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife just kind of lays there, she's only been dead for about a year, and I'm still a horny newly-dead. Can you please help us?

Signed,
Frustrated to Death

Dear Frustrated to Death,
Yes, this is not uncommon with newlydeads. You must find her 'D' spot. It's just North of her 'G' spot. When you find it, let me know, and I'll be right over.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse boyfriend only wants to do it in the grave. I'm sick of getting dirt in my crotch. How can I break him of this habit?

Signed,
Sex is dirty

Dear Sex is Dirty,
Start, by throwing some of dirt on your bed to comfort him. Each time you have sex throw a little less dirt n the bed. That will break him of his dirty little habit.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Ever since I was hit by a train and dragged twelve hundred feet, I don't have the same sexual sensation in my penis.

Signed,
Sex is a Drag

Dear Sex is a Drag,
I was crushed by a crane, so I know what your talking about. Sometimes these things take time. Try soaking your penis in a mixture of battery acid and Draino. That should bring the sensation back... in a hurry.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
When I, um, go down on my dead girlfriend, she smells really nasty. Like a tomb filled with dead tuna. I can't get past the rotten stench. Can you help us?

Signed,
Smells like Death

Dear She Smells Like Death,
Get over it! She's dead, remember? But so are you! You think you smell like a bouquet