Charles Mirador Jr.

G&C: How the hell did you wind up as a crematorium driver?

CD: Through a long time friend, what's funny is I started the same day of my interview. I picked up my first client an hour later.

G&C: Describe your day as a crematorium driver. Do you pick up one body or twenty?

CD: Average is about 5, The highest was 9 in one day.

G&C: Tell us what your typical day is like on the job.

CD: I'm the driver and my partner is the navigator, it's always two people per call. You never know how heavy some of these people are and sometimes you would have to move them without a gurney like on stairs, we use a foldable stretcher. Then, we have some legal papers to fill out, comfort the families if we did house calls (we only handled natural deaths so we picked up from residents, hospitals and retirement homes). Once in a while we transferred corpses from the morgue to the mortuary. Some people go completely nuts when a relative dies, This one guy wouldn't let us in the house for three hours, we heard the family yelling at each other. Then, there are other families who seem excited, smiling and everything because they know they're inheriting money or other valuables like real estate. After doing the paper work, checking the deceased for dentures, implants, pace makers and other medical devices. We drive them to our crematorium where they sit in a freezer until final cremation arrangements are to be made.

G&C: What kind of strange situations have occurred while picking up bodies?

CD: We picked up an old man from a retirement home and he was on an electric hospital bed sitting up but laid back a little, we pushed the switch to lower it and he was still sitting up. Situations like this we have to bend them back in shape to wrap and secure them to the gurney. We tell family members that its standard procedure and if they don't feel comfortable they can leave the room. Whenever we see a body like this we mumble to each other saying, "we got a stiffy."

G&C: A stiffy?!

CD: No, no... not that kind of stiffy.

G&C: Speaking of Stiffy's... ever meet any hot chicks on the job -- alive or dead?

CD: Well I'm a pretty young guy and all the people we pick up are 50+. I once had a chick crying and hugging me for an hour. She was gorgeous and wouldn't let go of me. We have to be very mature and cope with the family. Also when we walk through peoples homes we see pictures of their hot daughters but other than that I would say the dating scene is pretty much dead.

G&C: Have you ever heard bodies make strange sounds in the back of your van, as you're taking the bodies to the crematorium? Like saying, "I've changed my mind."

CD: Haha yeah, I've heard some strange sounds, but mostly its kind of like their gasping for air, but we do make sure their 110% dead. When I first heard one cough I got goose bumps. Something I'll never forget is hearing the gurney belts ringing like bells as I drive.

G&C: Do you ever find yourself chatting with the corpses to kill the time?

CD: No actual conversations... but when I slide them into the freezer off our hydraulic lift I would say, "there ya go." The freezer can hold up to about 2 dozens bodies so they have each other to talk to also.

G&C: What are your strangest memories from the job?

CD: The strangest one was when I was picking up a guy from the legs and I don't know if his body twitched or if I lifted up to fast but he kicked me in the chin.

G&C: Do you like what you do -- and recommend the job to others?

CD: Yes I liked it very much. At times it was very peaceful helping families with their loss. We've been offered dinner, beers, or to stay and watch a movie, but we couldn't do it on the job. Also, we only did natural deaths so we didn't see shot up or mutilated bodies like the coroner's office.

G&C: What are the people like who you work with?

CD: My partner was a hardcore goth, but when we're in our suit and ties we're completely different, earrings off, clean shaven, tattoos hidden. The staff was great and we're always calling each other up saying, "I see dead people" after we finished a run. You have to have a lot of humor to be in this business.

G&C: "Six Feet Under" was a brilliant show, but was it realistic or bullshit?

CD: I only saw the first season but I do remember the lead character correcting himself about saying, "body." You NEVER ever say the word "body" when doing a house call, its either we are here for the pickup or we are here for "Mr. Williams." You have to remember these are people's loved ones.

G&C: Technically, how does a cremation work?

CD: After the pickup you go inside a giant shoe box, If you were religious you would have items with you such as pictures, crosses, jewelry, candles, etc; but normally its either white blankets or clear plastic sheets depending on the family's choice. Next you go into a freezer for a couple days and a positive identification is made. Some families can watch part of the cremation if they like. Next the body gets placed in the cremator for up to 3 hours at about 1500 degrees, the left over bones gets crushed and put into a heavy-duty blender and turned into powder for urns, earth burial, or held later for sea ceremonies. Some places offer your ashes to be blasted off in fireworks. That's how I wanna go.

G&C: Are the ashes put in the bag after cremation really someone's loved one -- or a combination of a poodle, someone else's grandmother and your lunch?

CD: We use the same equipment for everyone, and the dust is everywhere. So its probably 95% of the exact person.

G&C: What is the funniest thing that ever happened while you were on the job?

CD: Our new guy couldn't move when he first saw a body, his legs just locked in place. So we threw pens and ice at him, anything to get him in the van.

G&C: What was the scariest thing?

CD: On one call a man was laying face down on his bed, we turned him over and he just threw up, his mouth still wide open. A lot of them do this but when I first saw it, it scared me straight

G&C: What's the hardest thing about your job?

CD: The smell. Its like rotten food, ten of the worst farts you can imagine mixed with some blueberries.

G&C: Thanks Charles for you crematorium candor. And... "There ya go."