"Dr. Necco Feelya says, "Love the corpse you're with."

photo © Lon Casler Bixby

DR. NECCO FEELYA, M.D., DDS, OBGYN A.K.A Doctor Luv Ya To Death Answers all your questions about love and sex... and death.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I am the grounds keeper at a funeral home, beauty parlor and cemetery in Alabama. Sometimes, I fall asleep on the job, if you know what I mean. Not out in the cemetery when I'm working, but when I'm in the funeral home, at night or during lunch breaks, when everyone is gone but me and the newbies or BWEs (bodies waiting to be "beautified" for burial). Several times, I have been caught by my boss in the embalming room of the mortuary... asleep on top of a female BWE. This is quite embarrassing, as you can imagine, and I really don't know what to do! Even coffee doesn't help. How can I stay awake to finish the job?

Signed, Asleep on the job

Dear Asleep on the Job,
What you are suffering from is the opposite of ADD (Attention deficit disorder and is clinically know as NN -- or Necro-Narcolepsy. When you find yourself in an act of necrophilia you have narcolepsy and simply pass out. NN it is as controllable with medication as ADD and will keep you awake for your BWEs.

Signed, Dr. Necco Feelya

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My boyfriend has a bug up his ass. Literally. I can't tell what kind of bug it is but it's been up there for months and only occasionally comes out to eat from the cat bowl. I'm afraid the thing will bite me in my sleep. Why should I do? Oh, did I mention. He's been dead for two years. Not the bug -- my boyfriend.

Signed, Bug Up His ass.

Dear Bug up your ass
How the hell do I know. I'm a doctor not an eptomologist. Maybe try a roach motel up his bum. Or, a firecracker.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I am very sensitive around my nipples. I've noticed this ever since I died eighteen months ago. Is this normal?

Sensitive Death Nipples

Dear Sensitive Death Nipples:
Did you have implants when you were alive? Sometimes, the shrinkage of skin over silicone implants can cause itching post mortem. Try a topical cream or just lop the damn things off. You won't feel it remember?

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I hear a buzzing in my ears when I have sex. Buzzzz... buzzzz.. It really interfers with my love making. Could it be high blood pressure or something more sinister?

Yours Truly,
Gettiing a buzz

Dear Getting a buzz,
It could be high blood pressure, but if you're a cadaver that's not usually a problem. Often flies will lay eggs in the ear canal and the sound you hear may be the tiny flapping wings of gnats or the munching of maggots. Get yourself a Q-tip, douse it with gasoline, and go in for the kill. If you head bursts into flames, run in a circle until the fire goes out. That should take care of the problem. It did for me.

Dear Dr. Necco,
In 1874, I was a teenager and I fell in love with a girl named Sadie who lived the next town over. I tried to date her all through high school but she was in love with the football quarterback, Ted, who she eventually married. He was killed fourteen years into their marriage in a freak Zamboni accident. That's when I ran into her again, at Ted's funeral, and we began dating. Well, the good news is, forty-seven years ago we finally married. We lived a great life, had four kids and twelve grandkids and finally both died at the ripe old age of ninety. But I always knew Sadie loved Ted more. I guess I could live with that, while we were alive, but not that we are buried together, actually on top of one another, she's still pining away for him. It was really begun to affect our afterlife. How can I bring the romance back... thirty years after we died?

Signed, Death's just the Beginning

Dear Death's Just The Beginning -
What a wonderful story. Sad though that your wife always held the flame for another man. Life is sometimes like that. But death can also be just what the doctor ordered. You must take your death by the horns. Tell Sadie to shit or get off your pot belly. You're not just going to lie around the rest of eternity waiting for her if she still has feelings for Zamboni man. Ted is dead. Well, so are you... but you've got her in your grave not his.Make the most of your time together. Take long walks in the cemetery at night, holding hands. Whisper sweet nothings into her rotting ears. You have the rest of your deaths together so make it count. I'll be rooting for you. Have a nice dirt nap together.

Sincerely,
Dr. Necco Feelya, DNA

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya
Sometimes my husband likes to have sex with the turkey carcus after the guests have left. Is that necrophilia?

Signed, my husband's meat thermometer

Dear Meat Thermometer,
Sex with dead people is necrophilia. Sex with dead turkeys is Turkaphilia. In this case I would not suggest saving the leftovers, or making soup. Or, you'll wind up skimming more than just fat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya
I have invented a device that will change necrophilia forever. I call it the Pocket Corpsy. Now I don't have to drive around to graveyards in the middle of the night anymore. I can even pleasure myself while driving. What do you think? Or, does it stink?

Signed,
Does my pussy stink?

Dear Stinky pussy,
Isn't that a rhetorical question? Or, course it stinks. But I think your invention will someday outsell the Pocket Fisherman! Please send us a sample so we can test it out in our G&C lab.

Yours,
Dr. Necco

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya
I'm a corpse and a few issue back you wrote about anal bleaching. Is it safe for corpses?

Signed,
Just an Old Ass

Dear Old Ass,
Why would you want to bleach you ass? If your lovers want pristine asses they would go for the pink – and living! Relish in your decay and check out this site on anal bleaching. Very informative:

www.crappersquarterly.com/features/analbleaching.htm

Yours,
Corpsy

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya
If a zombie masturbates, is that necrophilia?

Pee Wee Zombie

Good question, Pee wee.
Neccophilia is a term referring to sex with another body -- a dead one. Obviously, a dead body can't masturbate considering there's no brain function. But a zombie is different.

The debate is whether a zombie is actually "dead" or "alive." We know that a zombie's body is dead, but their brain is still functioning, therefore technically "alive." We know this because zombies can still walk and eat --which requires a certain amount of brain cells. But this brings up the topic of zombie masturbation (aka beating a dead chicken). It is doubtful that a zombie would masturbate -- considering they are only interested in eating and staggering down the street like Frankenstein. However, a zombie might eat their own penis. Or, a female zombie would be likely to masturbate with a severed penis. So, I would say in concluding, that a zombie masturbating is not necrophilia (by definition) but rather "zombie-bation."

Next month, we will explore whether a zombie can go blind Masturbating -- or are they always blind?

Dear Dr. Necco,
I think I fucked my boyfriend to death. He just stares at me with this stupid happy grimace and marble eyes. But we're getting along better than ever. But... I'm wondering... how long will he keep?

Signed, Orgasmic Death Mask

Dear Orgasmic Death Mask,
Abou three days. The first few weeks are the worst. Hang him out on the clothes-line to air him out. Then, he'll be ready to be fucked to death over and over again... You lucky gal.

Dear Dr. Necco,
My boyfriend is a Neanderthal. I mean literally. He never cleans up after himself, he only grunts at me and he roasted out cat over a spit in the living room. I'm sick of being with men like Og. But I must admit the sex is great. He ravages me like an animal.

Signed, Hairy Ape Dater

Dear Hairy Ape dater,
What does it say about you that you keep dating these silent types who want to hit you over the head to make love. Try a Cro-Magnon for a change. At least they like to surf.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I went camping with my corpse and I think a bear got him, or something, while I was sleeping. I dunno maybe it was Big Foot. All that's left of my lover is his bony left foot. What should I do?

Signed, He Left his Left Foot

Dear Lefty,
Well, what are you waiting for?! Put your right foot before your left and go track that big foot!... shoot him!... cut him open and get your lover back!! And you'll have a nice rug to boot!

Dear Dr. Necco,
I live on a secluded horse ranch and... well... I'm a twenty-nine year old virgin. I've decided that I want my first sexual experience to be with a cadaver. You see there's no men around for 50 miles of the ranch but there's a cemetery nearby. I sometimes hang out near the gravestones, you know like a singles club. I talk to the dead and they talk back (at least in my voice). Sometimes I rub one out as I whisper sweet nothings to myself. Do I sound weird? Anyhow, I'm embarrassed to say I don't know exactly what to do... you know... sexually... and I don't want to make a fool of myself. Can you help me be a good first time necro-lover?

Signed, First Time Jitters

Dear First Time Jitters,
Everyone has a first time... with a corpse. Just relax. Have a glass of wine... or a bottle...or two. Anyhow, It's just like riding a dead horse. Once you hop on you'll know what to do. Ride 'em cowgirl!

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse wants to video tape us having sex. But I'm afraid of the tape getting out somehow and winding up with the police, or worse Hard Copy! Should I tell Corpsy no filming allowed?

Signed, Camera Shy

Dear Camera Shy,
Lots of couples record themselves making love. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and that rich guy... and that other rich guy. Hmm...Maybe you're right. It could be dangerous. Please send your copy of the tape to me for safe keeping.

I have been getting a lot of mail from students who have had "encounters" with their corpse teachers and vice-a-versa. Here are some of your letters:

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse teacher keep making passes at me. He's a little old for me and smells like the hallway bathroom on a warm summer day, when someone tries to flush something and it gets all clogged up. Anyhow, this perv sometimes tries to grabs me as I try to pass him in the hall. What should I do?

Signed, Grab-assed and harassed.

Dear Grab assed and harassed,
No student should be approached in such a way from any corpse – especially their teacher. Here's a way to stop him: Old cadavers, like your pervy teacher, are terrified of worms and maggots (*see Book Worms in this issue). Anyhow, I suggest tossing a handful of crawlies on him the next time he makes a pass -- and I promise you he will "pass by" in a hurry.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I am a teacher at a small college in the Midwest. I teach ancient Greek History and have been dead for about eight years and teaching for twelve. Anyhow, twice a week I have a student, Hollie, an attractive female who flashes me when I'm sitting at my desk. If I angle my head just perfectly I can see her perfectly tanned thighs straining against her tight panties. It's more than I can bear. Once I got so nervous, my jaw was hanging open so far, that it actually fell off -- and the class laughed. Should I tell Hollie to stop revealing herself and teasing, me? Or, should I take the pass seriously and have sex with her?

Signed,
Miss Emily Drysocket

Dear Miss Drysocket,
Well, it took me until the end of your letter to get that you are both of the female persuasion. Good for you Emily! I would advise you to go for it because you're not dead yet. Oh yea... you are.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I did it! I really did! I went down on my dead teacher between classes at Bush High School in Ontario. But I feel kind bad because he raised my grade from a C to a B. Should I feel guilty?

Signed, Cyn

Dear Guilty as Cyn,
You shouldn't feel guilty if you are both consenting and you are over 18 and he is over 100. But it does create a problem ethically regarding your grade. Why the hell didn't he only give you an A?! Get back in there on your knees and earn some respect.

Yours, in death,
Dr. Feelya

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My jaw gets tired giving oral sex to my corpse. He just lies there like he's dead. What can I do to wake him up? My Jaws are Killing me!

Signed, Sore Jaws

Dear Sore Jaws,
Try using your teeth to tease him. First, take them out of the glass. Then, throw them across the room, so he can fetch them. When he brings your teeth back to you, toss then across the room again. Rinse and repeat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse wants me to watch neccro-porno movies with him before we have sex. But I hate porn and I'm only turned on by horror movies. How can I get him to switch?

Signed, Porn Free

Dear Porn Free,
There are several movies out now which combine porn and horror such as, XXXCorcist, re-Penetrator, and Hustler's upcoming Blood Lake. This should solve the problem.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I am a nun and a corpse foot fetishist. The smellier and more rotten the foot the better. I even like to bite off the toes and chew them for hours. I know I know, it's a nasty habit. But now I've noticed, as have other nuns at the convent, that my breath smells like hoof in mouth. Also, my tongue is growing a fungus. I have prayed and counted rosaries, but I can't seem to free my mouth of the foul evil stench. Mouth washes don't work.

Signed, Trying to Kick the Habit

Dear Trying to Kick the Habit,
Wow. This is a new one for me. Umm... say twelve hail Mary's and brush your teeth with a foot fungus cream. Have you tried beef jerky?

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
This is kind of delicate and embarrassing. My corpse wants me to... well... pee on him. But I am too shy and can't pee with someone watching. I'm also religious and my pastor says that peeing on someone is evil and against The Church. Can you please help me, peese?

Signed, Pee No evil

Dear Pee No Evil,
Try drinking three forty-ounce beers and closing your eyes. Guys do that all the time -- driving home from a bar. It works for them. That's how they wound up corpses.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My girlfriend is spineless, literally. She's like a loose pool of flesh. She jumped off a sixty story building – before we began dating. But now she's like a jellyfish when we have sex. I can't even find her, you know, secret garden, in the mass of loose flesh.

Signed, Octopusses Garden

Dear Octopusses Garden,
Try rolling her in flour. That will help you find her wet spot.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My partner takes forever to ejaculate. I have been going down on him for hours at a time and then, recently, discovered the reason. He's dead! Do you think my blowjobs killed him?

Signed Ms. Killer Blowjob,

Dear Ms. Killer Blowjob,
There's one way to determine this -- please come to my office for a consultation and I will determine if your blowjobs are really killer.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Can you catch a sexual disease from your corpse? My penis has been turning green ever since I started sleeping with my ex-girlfriend's corpse.

Dick Green

Dear Green Dick,
Of corpse you can catch a sexual disease from a corpse. See your doctor immediately and refrain from sexual relations with your ex for at least six years. That should dry her out.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I think my corpse is pregnant!

Signed, Nervous Corpse Daddy

Dear Nervous Corpse Daddy
Sometime bloating can be mistaken for a pregnancy. Make a small incision on the stomach of your pregnant corpse. If maggots come out it a boy... flies it's a girl. And congradulations!

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I'm 123 years young and I can't seem to get a date, I've tried all the usual spots, hanging around the crematorium and grave yard. And when I get a date I never get a call back. Is it me, or is there someone out there dying to meet me? Or, is my breath?

Dear Dying to meet you,
I'm sure you are an attractive corpse. How is your grooming? Many corpses have issues with bad breath. Try soaking them in battery acid at least twice a day. If that doesn't work try removing your dates noses.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Sex with my corpse is painful. He is rather large and I am small and brittle. When he gets on top of me I sound like bubble wrap popping.

Signed, Popping Fresh

Dear Popping Fresh,
Try getting on top of your corpse, of course.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
This is kind of embarrassing -- but I have flies. You know... down there. My husband won't go down on me anymore.

Signed, Flies Down South

Dear Flies Down South,
Have you tried a fly swatter? Try add this to your sex play. Besides, what corpse doesn't want a mouth full of maggots?

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants me to call her dirty names during sex. Like, "You filthy corpse," "grave maggot," "Nail my rotting hole," etc. Some I can't even repeat here, but it involves the pope and a large candle. What to you suggest I do? I have no larynx.

Signed, Sticks and Stones

Dear Sticks and Stones,
Get a small chalk board and write the dirty words she wants you to say during "the act." Hold it up to her and see if that turns her on. If not, you can always scrape your nails on the blackboard.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I slept with a corpse that was at such a stage of decay that its species and gender were questionable. Is this normal for a guy my age? I'm 26

Dear, Questionable Decay,
What you describe is not normal. Stop touching yourself -- it makes your skin rot.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
What's the best position to stimulate a corpse?

Miss Shenary

Dear Miss Shenary,
They're dead. You couldn't stimute them with dynamite.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants to play dead during sex. But I'm more into wild kinky sex.

Signed, I won't play dead.

Dear, I won't play dead,
Try dating a Democrat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife just kind of lays there, she's only been dead for about a year, and I'm still a horny newly-dead. Can you please help us?

Signed,
Frustrated to Death

Dear Frustrated to Death,
Yes, this is not uncommon with newlydeads. You must find her 'D' spot. It's just North of her 'G' spot. When you find it, let me know, and I'll be right over.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse boyfriend only wants to do it in the grave. I'm sick of getting dirt in my crotch. How can I break him of this habit?

Signed,
Sex is dirty

Dear Sex is Dirty,
Start, by throwing some of dirt on your bed to comfort him. Each time you have sex throw a little less dirt n the bed. That will break him of his dirty little habit.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Ever since I was hit by a train and dragged twelve hundred feet, I don't have the same sexual sensation in my penis.

Signed,
Sex is a Drag

Dear Sex is a Drag,
I was crushed by a crane, so I know what your talking about. Sometimes these things take time. Try soaking your penis in a mixture of battery acid and Draino. That should bring the sensation back... in a hurry.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
When I, um, go down on my dead girlfriend, she smells really nasty. Like a tomb filled with dead tuna. I can't get past the rotten stench. Can you help us?

Signed,
Smells like Death

Dear She Smells Like Death,
Get over it! She's dead, remember? But so are you! You think you smell like a bouquet