"Dr. Necco Feelya says, "Love the corpse you're with."

photo © Lon Casler Bixby

DR. NECCO FEELYA, M.D., DDS, OBGYN A.K.A Doctor Luv Ya To Death Answers all your questions about love and sex... and death.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My jaw gets tired giving oral sex to my corpse. He just lies there like he's dead. What can I do to wake him up? My Jaws are Killing me!

Signed, Sore Jaws

Dear Sore Jaws,
Try using your teeth to tease him. First, take them out of the glass. Then, throw them across the room, so he can fetch them. When he brings your teeth back to you, toss then across the room again. Rinse and repeat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse wants me to watch neccro-porno movies with him before we have sex. But I hate porn and I'm only turned on by horror movies. How can I get him to switch?

Signed, Porn Free

Dear Porn Free,
There are several movies out now which combine porn and horror such as, XXXCorcist, re-Penetrator, and Hustler's upcoming Blood Lake. This should solve the problem.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I am a nun and a corpse foot fetishist. The smellier and more rotten the foot the better. I even like to bite off the toes and chew them for hours. I know I know, it's a nasty habit. But now I've noticed, as have other nuns at the convent, that my breath smells like hoof in mouth. Also, my tongue is growing a fungus. I have prayed and counted rosaries, but I can't seem to free my mouth of the foul evil stench. Mouth washes don't work.

Signed, Trying to Kick the Habit

Dear Trying to Kick the Habit,
Wow. This is a new one for me. Umm... say twelve hail Mary's and brush your teeth with a foot fungus cream. Have you tried beef jerky?

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
This is kind of delicate and embarrassing. My corpse wants me to... well... pee on him. But I am too shy and can't pee with someone watching. I'm also religious and my pastor says that peeing on someone is evil and against The Church. Can you please help me, peese?

Signed, Pee No evil

Dear Pee No Evil,
Try drinking three forty-ounce beers and closing your eyes. Guys do that all the time -- driving home from a bar. It works for them. That's how they wound up corpses.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My girlfriend is spineless, literally. She's like a loose pool of flesh. She jumped off a sixty story building – before we began dating. But now she's like a jellyfish when we have sex. I can't even find her, you know, secret garden, in the mass of loose flesh.

Signed, Octopusses Garden

Dear Octopusses Garden,
Try rolling her in flour. That will help you find her wet spot.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My partner takes forever to ejaculate. I have been going down on him for hours at a time and then, recently, discovered the reason. He's dead! Do you think my blowjobs killed him?

Signed Ms. Killer Blowjob,

Dear Ms. Killer Blowjob,
There's one way to determine this -- please come to my office for a consultation and I will determine if your blowjobs are really killer.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Can you catch a sexual disease from your corpse? My penis has been turning green ever since I started sleeping with my ex-girlfriend's corpse.

Dick Green

Dear Green Dick,
Of corpse you can catch a sexual disease from a corpse. See your doctor immediately and refrain from sexual relations with your ex for at least six years. That should dry her out.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I think my corpse is pregnant!

Signed, Nervous Corpse Daddy

Dear Nervous Corpse Daddy
Sometime bloating can be mistaken for a pregnancy. Make a small incision on the stomach of your pregnant corpse. If maggots come out it a boy... flies it's a girl. And congradulations!

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I'm 123 years young and I can't seem to get a date, I've tried all the usual spots, hanging around the crematorium and grave yard. And when I get a date I never get a call back. Is it me, or is there someone out there dying to meet me? Or, is my breath?

Dear Dying to meet you,
I'm sure you are an attractive corpse. How is your grooming? Many corpses have issues with bad breath. Try soaking them in battery acid at least twice a day. If that doesn't work try removing your dates noses.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Sex with my corpse is painful. He is rather large and I am small and brittle. When he gets on top of me I sound like bubble wrap popping.

Signed, Popping Fresh

Dear Popping Fresh,
Try getting on top of your corpse, of course.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
This is kind of embarrassing -- but I have flies. You know... down there. My husband won't go down on me anymore.

Signed, Flies Down South

Dear Flies Down South,
Have you tried a fly swatter? Try add this to your sex play. Besides, what corpse doesn't want a mouth full of maggots?

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants me to call her dirty names during sex. Like, "You filthy corpse," "grave maggot," "Nail my rotting hole," etc. Some I can't even repeat here, but it involves the pope and a large candle. What to you suggest I do? I have no larynx.

Signed, Sticks and Stones

Dear Sticks and Stones,
Get a small chalk board and write the dirty words she wants you to say during "the act." Hold it up to her and see if that turns her on. If not, you can always scrape your nails on the blackboard.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I slept with a corpse that was at such a stage of decay that its species and gender were questionable. Is this normal for a guy my age? I'm 26

Dear, Questionable Decay,
What you describe is not normal. Stop touching yourself -- it makes your skin rot.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
What's the best position to stimulate a corpse?

Miss Shenary

Dear Miss Shenary,
They're dead. You couldn't stimute them with dynamite.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants to play dead during sex. But I'm more into wild kinky sex.

Signed, I won't play dead.

Dear, I won't play dead,
Try dating a Democrat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife just kind of lays there, she's only been dead for about a year, and I'm still a horny newly-dead. Can you please help us?

Signed,
Frustrated to Death

Dear Frustrated to Death,
Yes, this is not uncommon with newlydeads. You must find her 'D' spot. It's just North of her 'G' spot. When you find it, let me know, and I'll be right over.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse boyfriend only wants to do it in the grave. I'm sick of getting dirt in my crotch. How can I break him of this habit?

Signed,
Sex is dirty

Dear Sex is Dirty,
Start, by throwing some of dirt on your bed to comfort him. Each time you have sex throw a little less dirt n the bed. That will break him of his dirty little habit.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Ever since I was hit by a train and dragged twelve hundred feet, I don't have the same sexual sensation in my penis.

Signed,
Sex is a Drag

Dear Sex is a Drag,
I was crushed by a crane, so I know what your talking about. Sometimes these things take time. Try soaking your penis in a mixture of battery acid and Draino. That should bring the sensation back... in a hurry.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
When I, um, go down on my dead girlfriend, she smells really nasty. Like a tomb filled with dead tuna. I can't get past the rotten stench. Can you help us?

Signed,
Smells like Death

Dear She Smells Like Death,
Get over it! She's dead, remember? But so are you! You think you smell like a bouquet