"Dr. Necco Feelya says, "Love the corpse you're with."

photo © Lon Casler Bixby

DR. NECCO FEELYA, M.D., DDS, OBGYN A.K.A Doctor Luv Ya To Death Answers all your questions about love and sex... and death.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I'm 123 years young and I can't seem to get a date, I've tried all the usual spots, hanging around the crematorium and grave yard. And when I get a date I never get a call back. Is it me, or is there someone out there dying to meet me? Or, is my breath?

Dear Dying to meet you,
I'm sure you are an attractive corpse. How is your grooming? Many corpses have issues with bad breath. Try soaking them in battery acid at least twice a day. If that doesn't work try removing your dates noses.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Sex with my corpse is painful. He is rather large and I am small and brittle. When he gets on top of me I sound like bubble wrap popping.

Signed, Popping Fresh

Dear Popping Fresh,
Try getting on top of your corpse, of course.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
This is kind of embarrassing -- but I have flies. You know... down there. My husband won't go down on me anymore.

Signed, Flies Down South

Dear Flies Down South,
Have you tried a fly swatter? Try add this to your sex play. Besides, what corpse doesn't want a mouth full of maggots?

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants me to call her dirty names during sex. Like, "You filthy corpse," "grave maggot," "Nail my rotting hole," etc. Some I can't even repeat here, but it involves the pope and a large candle. What to you suggest I do? I have no larynx.

Signed, Sticks and Stones

Dear Sticks and Stones,
Get a small chalk board and write the dirty words she wants you to say during "the act." Hold it up to her and see if that turns her on. If not, you can always scrape your nails on the blackboard.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
I slept with a corpse that was at such a stage of decay that its species and gender were questionable. Is this normal for a guy my age? I'm 26

Dear, Questionable Decay,
What you describe is not normal. Stop touching yourself -- it makes your skin rot.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
What's the best position to stimulate a corpse?

Miss Shenary

Dear Miss Shenary,
They're dead. You couldn't stimute them with dynamite.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife wants to play dead during sex. But I'm more into wild kinky sex.

Signed, I won't play dead.

Dear, I won't play dead,
Try dating a Democrat.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My wife just kind of lays there, she's only been dead for about a year, and I'm still a horny newly-dead. Can you please help us?

Signed,
Frustrated to Death

Dear Frustrated to Death,
Yes, this is not uncommon with newlydeads. You must find her 'D' spot. It's just North of her 'G' spot. When you find it, let me know, and I'll be right over.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
My corpse boyfriend only wants to do it in the grave. I'm sick of getting dirt in my crotch. How can I break him of this habit?

Signed,
Sex is dirty

Dear Sex is Dirty,
Start, by throwing some of dirt on your bed to comfort him. Each time you have sex throw a little less dirt n the bed. That will break him of his dirty little habit.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
Ever since I was hit by a train and dragged twelve hundred feet, I don't have the same sexual sensation in my penis.

Signed,
Sex is a Drag

Dear Sex is a Drag,
I was crushed by a crane, so I know what your talking about. Sometimes these things take time. Try soaking your penis in a mixture of battery acid and Draino. That should bring the sensation back... in a hurry.

Dear Dr. Necco Feelya,
When I, um, go down on my dead girlfriend, she smells really nasty. Like a tomb filled with dead tuna. I can't get past the rotten stench. Can you help us?

Signed,
Smells like Death

Dear She Smells Like Death,
Get over it! She's dead, remember? But so are you! You think you smell like a bouquet