Ah Corpsemas time. You can hear the buzz of chainsaws severing limbs and nailing hapless Spruce trees to a cross. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Then, the tree is left to slowly die on the cross in your living room as everyone says how pretty it smells, until it is unceremoniously dragged by its' hair out to the sidewalk as dogs mark their turf and cars back over it until, finally, after an agonizing death, it's thrown into the wood chipper.

Damn, it sucks to be a Christmas tree.

That's why I boycott them. Plant a tree instead or decorate something else, like a corpse, for Christ's sake. At least they're already dead. That's what we do for the Holidays at the corporate offices of Girls and Corpses Magazine -- Everyone gets their own corpse to decorate. It's a lot of fun! Nothing beats throwing a handful of tinsel over Uncle Bob.

Also, have you ever walked around the mall this time of year? Check out the faces of the shoppers. Not a smile in the herd. So, where did all this "'Tis the Season to be Jolly -- fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaa -- crap come from? It's stressful and tiring and everyone gets sick.

The only people who enjoy the holidays are eight year olds -- until they open their packages and didn't get the new Playstation 12 they wanted. It's all about big business. Even the retailers aren't jolly. Billions of dollars are made at Christmas time -- but just wait and hear their doom and gloom after the holidays when they still didn't get enough from our wallets.

But enough about the merry ol' holidays. We have a very special issue of Girls and Corpses Magazine for your necrophiles. Gracing our cover is the lovely and lush Miss Howard Stern! That's right Andrea Ownbey who has been a featured guest on dozens of episodes of the Howard Stern Show.

Several years ago, Andrea was crowned Miss Howard Stern and her life has never been the same. She can now get free drinks at any bar in America (more on that later). But Andrea has held onto her title like a pit bull for four consecutive years.

Now, you all know we LOVE Howard Stern and even featured him and his dead cast of co-horts on our cover this year: Gary Dead-a-body, Robin Grave Quivers, Dead Norris and Hardened Artery Lang: girlsandcorpses.com/backissues_08

But Howard has still not recognized our G&C Magazine as the Time Magazine of the future. We are fervently hoping that with this issue, and the sexy Miss Stern on the cover, Howard will finally take notice of us and invite us to New York so we can put his very own corpse on the Sybian.

Anyhow... It was an "enlightening" time with Miss Howard Stern out in Los Angeles for her cover shoot. We also had a blast together on Sirius Playboy Radio with Andrea and Playboy Radio DJ's / porn legends, Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.

It was my second time as a guest on the Playboy Radio, this time for Friday The 13th -- and the day lived up to it's billing. Andrea, and her friend Jim Franklin and I arrived at the studio fifteen minutes ahead of time -- long enough for Andrea to start craving the bottle.

We walked around San Fernando Road in search of alcohol -- any alcohol. If we had wanted black tar heroin no prob -- but not a brew in site. Finally, the owner of Macho Tacos took pity on us, recognized Miss Howard Stern and invited us into his restaurant. They brought out the free beers and food on the house.

After the nachos and about eight beers, we staggered over to Playboy Radio. And what a show it was. The show reached a climax when Ginger Lynn crawled up on Andrea's lap and tongued her tonsils for a solid minute. I have some exclusive photos of this momentous lip lock -- but Playboy Radio will not allow me to show them here. But I would be glad to send them to Howard Stern should he be interested, and if Playboy Radio approves (since they are both on Sirius).

After the show, we made an urgent pit stop at Vendome Liquor for some Jack. Needless to say, Andrea never made it to our big Friday the 13th premiere party bash, having slept soundly through the event. But Andrea did make our G&C photo shoot the following day for our Christmas cover.

I must say, Andrea was a sweetheart. I will see her next at AVN on January 12th and 13th in Las Vegas where I have arranged for her to sign alongside Hollie Steven's and me at The Pink Productions booth. Oh, and a special assist goes to Bob Thorney (Andrea's Yahoo Fan Club President) who helped round Andrea up for us -- no easy task.

So, Merry Corpsemas and Happy Corpsukuh from of all of us cadavers at Girls and Corpses Magazine:

R.S. Rhine, Kevin Klemm, Stephen Miller, Albert L. Ortega, John Boegehold, Darren Frydendall. Ron Sawyer, Hollie Stevens, Stacy Layne Wilson, Feo Amante, David Tamarin, Gordon Firemark, Ted Geoghegan, Shyann Swisher, Judie Tallman, Phil Haney, Frank Forte, Ria Sharples and Kelly Amber.

©2006 (reprinted only with permission of author)