Slaughter in the woods

I'm a Montana boy. When I think of the woods, I think of bubbling brooks, cascading waterfalls, lush meadows, and unsurpassed beauty.

Oh, and being torn limb-from-limb in a big cloud of gore.

Apparently I'm not alone, either. Since cautionary tales were first told around the fire, the ominous nature of the forest has played a part in spooking both young and old alike. From the Japanese, who feared Edo Period demons that lurked between the trees, to Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, who set a large majority of their now-classic (and surprisingly creepy) fables deep within Germany's dense forests... the fear has been there.

This fear of butchery and maiming in the woods - it's not so much a "new thing" as a new development in an old fear. Long before Bigfoot found his way into b-movies, natives of the Pacific Northwest feared the bloodthirsty Sokqueatl, or Sasquatch, who could devour the body of a full grown man faster than any bear.

I'm assuming this was to keep the young'uns from wandering off... but that's the tamest thing they could come up with for the little ones? Being swallowed, chunk-by-chunk, by a giant ape man? Jesus. Talk about your tough love.

So, what is this fear? Really... The forest is where man first dwelled. It's where untold numbers of flora and fauna live without so much as a slight tinge of fear. Its probably one of the safest places man or beast can spend a long weekend... yet, like so many others, I can't help but feel like a hockey masked lunatic or marrow-hungry Yeti is lurking behind the nearest fallen timber.

If you couldn't tell, I have a very deep-rooted Bigfoot phobia. Really... it's paralyzing.

The modern horror film has done little to dispel these fears of mine. From early 80s schlockfests like "The Forest" to classic series like "Friday the 13th", Hollywood has cashed in our innate fear of the woods and turned it into the perfect breeding ground for gore galore. Why, since the dawn of cinema, we've had helpless victims barreling through the woods in a futile attempt to escape whatever pursued them. Why, if I were a young lad in the 50s, nothing would get me into the forest! Giant spiders, ants, crabs, and rabbits live out there, damn it!

It certainly doesn't help that Jason Voorhees racked up a triple digit bodycount in the woods or that "The Evil Dead" taught us entire army of demons live the most innocent of vacation homes. "Cabin Fever" informed us that even the forest water will melt our skin - and by the third "Texas Chainsaw" flick, even Leatherface had ditched the wide open plains of the Lone Star State for the shadowy, wooded back country.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say the woods were a virtual magnet to psychopaths! ...at least, according to the silver screen.

As long as we as humans have been aware of the forests, they've haunted us. Their seemingly-peaceful nature must be home to horrors that we're not aware of. Behind the shrubbery has to be something more sinister than Fluffy the Bunny.

Well, check that... there's nothing more sinister than Fluffy the Bunny.

In all honesty, I've no real answer for ya, folks. I don't know why the woods give us the heebie-jeebies any more than I know why people are afraid of the dark. Maybe it's the unseen... maybe it's the wild unknown... or maybe it's that dude hiding behind the spruce, wearing a cow skull on his head.

~ Ted Geoghegan (who is hard at work on Barricade, his latest film about inbred mountain folk mutilating innocent campers)