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HAUNTED HOT SAUCE

Condiment of the Living Dead

Interview with Victor "The Undertaker" Ives

by The Grin Creeper

Chef Du Jour

issue #10

GRIN CREEPER: What makes your hot sauce haunted? Do you throw a dead Indian into the vat or something?

THE UNDERTAKER: A few years ago I purchased a five acres of land in Acworth, Georgia. I've always enjoyed spicy foods and making hot sauce so I decided to plant some cayenne pepper plants on an acre of the land in the back of my property. The dirt there was a bit odd...not black but sort of a dark maroonish-brown color, kind of like bloody mud. I wasn't sure if pepper plants would even grow in soil so strange but they thrived! I had never seen anything grow so quickly!

GRIN CREEPER: That still doesn't sound haunted though.

THE UNDERTAKER: Well, the plants however, were a bit "odd" too. First of all they had thorns! Cayenne pepper plants just don't have thorns. As I would tend to them I would occasionally scratch myself on the sharp thorns. The plants seemed to "rustle," almost as if they were quivering with excitement.

GRIN CREEPER: Oh... you're scaring me.

THE UNDERTAKER: Hold on, I'm getting there. I found that many of the birds and squirrels that had once frequented the area had gone missing. I occasionally found a squirrel skeleton or feathers under the large bottom leaves of the plants but "that's just nature's way" I told myself.

GRIN CREEPER: So the squirrels came back as zombies and ate your cat?

THE UNDERTAKER: No, but it wasn't long before the plants began to produce peppers and I anxiously harvested them. (Funny, some were so plump that they seemed to pulse in my hand as I picked them.) I was anxious to taste them too! They had a sweet "fleshy" texture and a formidable spice that grew in intensity with each bite. Another strange thing I noticed was that after I had finished eating one, I could almost feel my body craving another...actually "hungering" for it.

GRIN CREEPER: I'm starting to hunger for it, right now. Let me take a taste. Okay... I'm screwing off the cap... I'm putting a drop on my tongue and...HOLY*&^$*U#^$&%#&*%&*&SHIT!!! THAT'S HOT!!! But goooood. I think I tasted some squirrel too.

THE UNDERTAKER: Nice, you tasted that, huh?

GRIN CREEPER: I've got to get me a couple bottles. Speaking of bottles, when did you decide to start bottling your product in those little wooden coffins?

THE UNDERTAKER: One night after an unusual dream I had (after eating a few too many peppers) I began to search for material to build tiny coffins where each bottle could rest. I found some old cedar boards piled next to an overgrown shed at the back of my property and decided that they would be perfect. I proceeded to build the coffins, insert the bottles and while fueling a burning desire to spread my "passion" I started a small business. I now ship my unusual coffin-clad hot sauce to "hungering" customers all over the world!

GRIN CREEPER: Well, I'm totally impressed by the sauce and the packaging. But in all honesty... it doesn't sound haunted.

THE UNDERTAKER: Okay, here's the haunted part. Looking back, I thought it strange that I hadn't noticed the shed earlier and upon closer inspection I discovered the reason for the strange events that I had been experiencing. The shed was filled will desecrated tombstones! It seems that the land where I am now growing peppers was once a cemetery! Also present inside the shed were more cedar boards...cedar boards that were previously coffins! Generations ago, the owners of this land must have cleared away the cemetery for reasons that died with them. They removed the tombstones, dug up the coffins, emptied the corpses back into the ground, dismantled the coffins and piled up the boards. Well, that discovery was over a year ago and the pepper plants have since completely covered the shed and most of my five acre lot. It seems that they're "well fertilized." Fleshfeast hot sauce anyone?

GRIN CREEPER: Now you're talking! Tell us about your spicy product line and what else you have coming up.

THE UNDERTAKER: To compliment my Fleshfeast I Hot Sauce, Fleshfeast II - Return of Fleshfeast Hot Sauce, GHOUL DROOL Green Hot Sauce and the BONE SHAKER Hot-n-Spicy Shakin' Spices, I will soon be releasing:FLESHFEAST III - Revenge of Fleshfeast Hot Sauce!

GRIN CREEPER: Do you prefer to focus more on flavor or heat?

THE UNDERTAKER: Even though I'm all about flavor, some of my customers really want a hotter variety. For this reason I created FLESHFEAST III - Revenge of Fleshfeast Hot Sauce! This sauce will be a "killer" blend of aged cayenne peppers, coarse-ground black pepper and red pepper flakes....all slow-simmered to make a hot sauce that will leave you screaming for mercy but with all the robust flavor that one has come to expect from a HauntedHotSauce.com product.

GRIN CREEPER: Anything else cooking in the coffin?

THE UNDERTAKER: I will also be releasing: "Charred" versions of each of my sauces. A charred version is one with the addition of a smoky flavor. For instance, you could order a Fleshfeast I or a Fleshfeast I "Charred", a GHOUL DROOL or a GHOUL DROOL "Charred". Charred just means that you can get the same Haunted Hot Sauce varieties that you already love but with an added layer of smoke. There'll be no additional charge for "charred".

GRIN CREEPER: Maybe, you should call it, Cremation? By the way, I dig the little coffin packages. I think they would be great to be used for creamains and then buried. Sounds a bit redundant, I know -- but with all this zombie talk...

THE UNDERTAKER: Yeah zombies are hot right now. That's why I'll also be releasing "zombie kits" that one can purchase to make a small zombie to put inside their empty Haunted Hot Sauce coffins. It will essentially be a zombie craft project consisting of a small skeleton, fabric for clothes, stuffing, directions, stickers and some other stuff. They won't be very expensive but will be loads of fun to make. There'll be two different sizes kits, one for the GHOUL DROOL sized coffins and another for the larger Fleshfeast sized coffins. I'll probably have some sort of contest when I release these where participants will take pictures of their zombies to win a Haunted Hot Sauce Coffin Party Pack! (The Haunted Hot Sauce Coffin Party Pack is a huge coffin containing of all three of my current hot sauce varieties, a 17 track CD from master horror composer Virgil Franklin - Master of the Etheruse, some stickers, a grab bag gift and more!)

GRIN CREEPER: Great idea. I've got to have me one of those!

THE UNDERTAKER: Since I'm adding so many hot sauce varieties this year, I'll soon be releasing the Build-your-Own Taster Pack! Currently, the "Taster" Pack comes with a small bottle of each of my three varities but since there will be 5 more varities, you'll basically get to choose which 3 bottles you'd like to fill your Taster Pack.

And lastly:

The "Build-your-Own" Coffin Party Pack! The same concept as the Build-your-Own Taster Pack except you'll choose the 3 large (12oz.) bottles that you'd like to fill you huge Party Pack Coffin!

GRIN CREEPER: Do you sell the bottles without the coffins?

THE UNDERTAKER: Yeah, believe it or not, some people want the hot sauce without the handmade cedar coffin! (Yeah, I know...crazy huh) Anyway, I'll soon be offering bottles w/o the coffins at drastic price reductions and also coffins w/o hot sauce if anybody wants those. I'm going to try to release all the hot sauce related products in time for Halloween 2006! The zombie kits will probably have to wait til next year...sorry.

GRIN CREEPER: Well, thanks Victor for sharing your Haunted Hot Sauce with us. I'm hooked! Dead or alive you've sauce is hot shit!

You can order Victor "The Undertakers" Haunted Hot Sauce at: WWW.Hauntedhotsauce.com