“I’m The Corpse of the World!”
Publishing a magazine is like being on the Titanic. You construct the most beautiful ship imaginable and set sail on your maiden voyage unaware of the ominous icebergs ahead and the possibility of sinking into the icy abyss.
That’s why you’re buying this magazine, isn’t it? To watch us dive off the cliffs of Acapulco? We take this leap of faith for you with each and every issue. And now, with this third incarnation, we soar mid-air in a swan dive, unsure if we’ll survive or split our heads on the rocks below. But, either way, you’ll get to see our brains.
Luckily, ‘death’ is life for Girls and Corpse Magazine. But is death all it’s cracked up to be? If you believe in the Koran you’ll have seventy-two dark-eyed virgins awaiting you in “paradise” (though I’d prefer seventy-two porn stars and a few blonds). Also, just because they’re virgins, doesn’t mean they’re attractive. Imagine spending eternity with seventy-two homely virgins. Sounds like hell to me. And what’s waiting in the end zone for the rest us? Rosie O’Donnell in a thong? Or, for the lay-dees, Phil Spector with a brandy and a Beretta?
Hey, life isn’t always a picnic, in case you haven’t noticed --which is why some opt for the suicide solution. But what if ‘death’ really is better than life? That would be a sardonic twist of lime, huh? No one really knows, do they? We’re so petrified of ‘death’ that the thought of a “Shangri-La” afterlife never occurs to us. Yet those who have “near death experiences” always return to consciousness with warm fuzzy feelings, having seen a welcoming light at the end of a long dark tunnel. However, in my experience, long dark tunnels are a tad foreboding and dank with rats, bats and hungry wolves. But I digress.
There are plenty of reasons why ‘death’ is better than life. While you’re marinating in soil and worms you get to say bye-bye to credit card bills, mortgages and alimony. You won’t have to sit for hours in traffic. You can finally stop running your kids to soccer practice and cleaning your toilet bowl. No more tax returns, dieting, root canals or proctologists. No more waiting in lines at the post office or bouts of the stomach flu. Just one long, peaceful dirt nap.
And remember those lucky few that saw the light at the end of the tunnel? Could it be the fires stoking in hell… or the neon glow of the Las Vegas? You see the government doesn’t want you to know that death is better than life because there wouldn’t be anyone left to run the tollbooths.
We need death -- it gives poignancy to life and without it we are pompous, sagging, shriveling dolts. We all play this sick ridiculous game running around like coked out hamsters on the proverbial treadmill and in the end it all turns to ash -- which is the theme of my story in this issue, “He Who Dies with The Most Toys.”
So remember, it’s the ride that matters folks. Try and enjoy it and laugh a little. That’s what we hope to provide with Girls and Corpses magazine. Live it up like you’re sliding into the morgue drawer in the morning -- because some of you reading this might kick-the-bucket before finishing this sentence.
Thankfully, ‘death’ has never been better for Girls and Corpses! For this Special 3-D issue we have hooked Captain Spalding himself (“Devil’s Rejects” alum) Sid Haig. Also, gracing the cover is adorable mermaid Scout Taylor-Compton (star of Rob Zombie’s successful “Halloween”). If that’s not enough to fill your bait bucket, we shipped in seven, scrumptious, bikini-clad shipmates and set sail on the S.S. Cadaver for this rotting issue.
In other news, and it is big, we are now on the newsstands in the U.S. and Canada! You can also find us in Barnes & Noble and other fine bookstores. Additionally, we begin subscriptions with this issue and you can now download our magazine worldwide. Just go to: www.Girls and Corpses.com
We believe this issue is our best yet and it’s in 3D! We hope the next one will be even better. That’s the Girls and Corpses epitaph.
2008 is dead ahead!
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a rotting trip,
That started from this putrid port,
Aboard this corpsy ship.
©2007 (reprinted only with permission of author)