Today started like any other day. I woke up at 9am to something wet and cold sliding up my arm. Fortunately, it was just one of my six dogs letting me know he was hungry. I roll out of my black satin sheets and hear an annoying buzzing coming from my dresser. I assume I forgot to turn my vibrator off but quickly realize it's just my cell phone. It's a private caller, I don't answer those and let it go to voicemail.
My house is sort of cold and damp today, which is super unusual for southern California and my instincts tell me I better listen to that message. So, with some black coffee in hand I listen. It's the worst type of monster you can ever meet. The kind that horror writers don't even write about...It's a Tabloid!! (typical horror movie scream inserted here) I replay the message a little confused still. Remember the coffee hasn't actually been put in my mouth yet! I take a few minutes to wake up before I decide what to do. I feed the dogs, fight off a few random zombies that hang out around my house and hang some fresh garlic on my front door. Now I am ready..I make the call and get a very gentle sounding man on the phone. Evil really does disguise it self well. This "man" tells me how he is a fan of mine and how beautiful he thinks I am and how he just wants to ask me a few questions that he of course will keep between us.
You see what most people don't know about Scream Queens is this. WE READ TONS OF SCRIPTS! I have scripts in my home that are written about every type of monster, zombie, ghoul, vampire and psychopath you can possibly imagine. Behind my overly made up face and skin tight clothes is a very well educated, knowlegable horror fan that can detect a bad plot a mile a way. And this gentle sounding, editor of a very highly recognizable magazine had BAD PLOT written all over him. But, tabloids pay better then b movies so I listened and played along. By the end of this conversation I knew a couple things. I needed to buy new dog food, because the one I had was giving my dogs horrible gas and this editor (lets call him ANDY) had a story he wanted to get out of me bad. Andy ended the conversation very calmly and told me to think about the questions he asked me. He said he would send a car for me and that I could have lunch with him on the beach and we could discuss the story he was interested in then. He also told me if I cooperated I could get paid ALOT of money. We are talking enough money to make two possibly three Troma films.
I am sure by this point in the story you are all wondering what the hell I could possibly offer these people. As awesome as the independent horror world is these hollywood rags are usually not interested in the likes of Sid Haig and Michael Berryman. In fact the bone crushing, skull eating, blood sucking wonderment of the films I star in is way to tame to compare to the horrors of Tara Reids plastic surgery or Paris Hilton's IQ. You see..Once upon a time in a land called the 2000 Cannes Film Festival a man named Lloyd Kaufman took me with him to France to promote, Citizen Toxie. In Cannes I met a very beautiful and very main stream actress who would begin dating a very scary, very horrible and very powerful actor in the next year. Our friend Andy got a tip that I not only began dating the lovely lady but had some sexual escapades with the scary actor as well. (we now hear OOOOOOOOH!! very loudly) Andy wanted the full story so he could make the actors life more of an opened book and he dangled the promise of a huge cover shot of yours truly to entice the story out of me. The bad plot is beginning to make sense to all of you right. Well, I will admit the publicity was tempting, the money wasn't so bad either. But in the end I realized that morals, privacy and good taste is way more important. Plus Girls and Corpses magazine is way better then any tabloid. So I shot a reenactment of the events with them for 1/2 the mney ...ok a 1/4 of the money...Well actually no money but I got to kiss a really hot chick! Check it out, enjoty and never underestimate a scream queen! (clapping and hoorahs heard now!)
by Melissa Bacelar