DON'T WATCH IT. It's not even bad in a funny way. I know by writing this, most of you will want to check it out for yourselves. Honestly, don't waste your time.

How I learned about this tragedy:

It all started when I was signing for Girls and Corpses Magazine at the Los Angeles Haunt-X convention. It was a Sunday and I was extremely hung over from excessive drinking the night before. Thankfully, it was a Sunday so there wasn't much of a crowd and didn't have to interact with many fans. The only time I got out of my chair was to pee and even then I was trying to hold it in because the short walk to the restroom seemed like an ordeal. It was cool though because I had my friend Kevin Klemm keeping me entertained. Our conversations of ridiculous circumstances are quite common but, that day, Kevin informed me about a tape that I never knew could exist. He spoke of a Screech sex tape. (Real name is Dustin Diamond but, will forever be know as Screech, the nerdy guy from an early 90's hit television show titled Saved By The Bell) He never had the opportunity to watch it himself but, he had heard that Screech (also referred to as the "D" man throughout the entire movie. A nickname he gives to himself. very sad) slipped one of the girls the "shocker" at the end of the movie. I assume you, the reader is well educated with this terminology. If not Google it (yes, that is the first thing that pops up. I checked). He was so proud of himself sneaking a shocker that he high fives the camera guy. Who wouldn't? I started wondering if during the hand to hand contact if Screech used the dirty hand. That would be even better! This excited me. The rest of the day Kevin and I decided to change the term "shocker" to being "screeched". After the convention I went back to my friend Gidget's place, where I was staying while in town, told him the same story Kevin told me and before I knew it, the movie was being downloaded for our viewing pleasure. This movie spiraled downward rapidly. The first scene is obviously a filler. No sex. It's "D" man in the bathtub with his girlfriend. She's filming him so you never even see her. No titties no nothin'. It's just Screech talking about how great his penis is and even naming it "the monster" (once again, he gives himself the nickname. I'm beginning to think he has no friends). There was nothing entertaining about this. Just 15 minutes of him trying to be funny and show off his cock while his girlfriends whining because he won't rub her feet.

Into sex scene:

No camera guy. Just D man trying out his P.O.V. skills. I could already tell I was going to be let down. He's in a hotel room with two women ( the D man refers to them as dude and bro throughout this whole debauchery) who have the voices of a 50 year old bar hag with emphysema. The story was that one of the girls was soon to be wed so they're throwing a bachelorette party. The group celebrated by going to a local comedy club where the unbelievably talented comedian, just so happened to be performing at that night. The majority of the group of ladies decide to go out and continue drinking, I assume, while the bride and bridesmaid decide to go back to the hotel with Screech. At this point Gidget and I were arguing over if this tape was real or not. He honestly didn't believe that two chicks would be willing to sleep with the D man unless there was cash involved. I on the other hand found it very believable. For one, I've been to Topeka, Kansas and he has not. Second of all, even though he was on TV. back before I even had braces, that still makes him more of a celebrity than anyone you'll find in most places in America. Though it sounds horrible, it's still a bragging right. And by the look of these ladies, they weren't going to do much better. Third, I'm in porn so I should be able to tell if it's real or not.

The sex scene begins:

Screech has one of the girls attempt to put on a condom. Of course this can't happen unless he can make remarks about how great his cock is. I'm sorry, his "monster". The sex was horrible. It reminded me of a video I saw in science class my freshman year of high school involving two turtles trying to fuck, but not as entertaining. I think that comparison will only make sense to me. This video is more awkward than walking in on your parents, but without the great story to tell your friends years later. I was horrified and disgusted all at the same time. I couldn't stop watching it though. I wanted to see the shocker that he will hopefully give one of the young ladies. That was the whole point of me watching this horrible abortion of a movie. Finally, the end is near. I wasted an entire hour of my life for this moment. He asks for one of the girls to bend over on the bed. He slips his finger in her ass while yelling "I just put it in your fish eye!" That still confuses me. He then pulls his finger out and then proceeds to walk over to the other girl and swipes his finger above her lip. I was pissed. No shocker, only a dirty Sanchez. Somehow he was able to make something where just the name makes people laugh to something horribly sad and pathetic. It wasn't even dirty! Disappointment! That was the one word to sum up the whole experience. But, maybe my hopes where a little too high. Honestly, this was the first celebrity sex tape that I'd ever watched so maybe I'm being a little to hard on the guy. I mean, I've never really heard of anyone watching a good sex tape. It's usually a shitty performance with bad lighting. On a positive note, he did a great job with the camera. That's about it though. Oh well, I've already put way too much thought into all of this. After the movie, I went straight to the computer. I had to email Kevin before it was too late and he'd have to endure the same travesty I did. Luckily, I was just in time. He didn't take the news too well, but was thankful that he didn't have to go through the whole experience like I did. Hopefully my story will keep you from doing the same. Don't get Screeched!

Consider yourself Saved By The Bell.