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Bobby Flay
Bobby Flayed

To Eat or Be Eaten...

Ahhh... summer time... bikinis... beaches... and, of corpse, barbecue.

I am a gourmand of sorts. I have eaten all over the world and dined at over seventy Michelin Star restaurants. I have been a guest chef in restaurants and I even won a local Iron Chef competition. I have eaten a lot of strange and unusual delicacies from around the globe but the one thing I have not yet prepared or consumed is... human flesh. Am I missing out? Are we all missing out on something delicious? What if human flesh tastes really good? Is that the secret the government doesn't want us to know?

Foie gras tastes delicious but is banned in some places. (For those of you who don't know, foie gras is force-fed duck liver). They put a live duck in a contraption like a sauna, so their neck fits through a hole at the top and they are force-fed until their little livers expand to the point of bursting. Mmmm... sounds yummy -- doesn't it? Well, actually, it is sublime. Not for the duck, of course. Though, I understand that the ducks actually enjoy the process of being force-fed. Sound familiar -- fat America?

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Bobbie Flay, star and iron chef from the food network, has taught us that you can cook just about anything. So, why not people? I mean there are so many damned people on the planet you would think human farming would be a natural progression -- even helpful. Human flesh is the only edible food resource that keeps growing – while fruit and vegetables continue to rise in price and continue to decline in supply.

You know the saying, "a pound of flesh." Well, it would go for about .39 cents a pound right now. Cheaper than chuck. Unless, you are named Chuck and then it would be very expensive for you – especially if you were the pound of flesh tar-tar being served on a silver plater.

Our nation is so fat it's in danger of sinking. Global warming is nothing compared to the disaster of an entire continent disappearing under the sea.

Some of these humongous human eating machines you see waddling around the mall with their tubby offspring would be giddy to be strapped in a box with their head sticking out so they could be force-fed potato chips, nachos and donuts until their livers were ready to burst.

This brings up my theory. Are we being fattened to be consumed?

Is Dole foods in cahoots with the government to prepare us for slaughter so we can be canned and consumed like foie gras? I mean, look around –- our kids are little tubby butterballs, ready to pop in the mouth of some alien creature like carmel corn. Belllchhh!

In the 1973 movie "Soylent Green," dead humans were made into protein bars. At some point our resources on planet Earth will run out and we will be forced to consume our neighbors like Soylent Green. Is that really such a bad thing? Property values might finally come down, as more homes would be on the market. You could keep all your neighbors neat stuff, like their jet skis, cars and potted plants.

TV Chef Bobby Flay, published a best selling book titled, "Grilling for Life." Isn't it time he changed that title to "Grilling for Death"?

Flay had even a better corpse epicurean title for his Food Network TV show, "Grilling and Chilling." Though I would change that title for my Food Network show to "Chilling and Grilling."

And speaking of chilling... why not man-shimi? That's right. Someday you will go to the cannibal sushi bar and order a Sally Roll. Or, get a bowl of Ede-mommie? Or, a steaming bowl of me-so-dead soup. You could even order a United Nations Rainbow roll.

Years ago, I wrote a book called, "The Cannibal Cookbook," which described in detail how to prepare and cook people. Needless to say, it didn't sell. I think I'm ahead of my time. Just like Girls and Corpses Magazine is ahead of its time. But the day will come for both.

You'll see. Someday on the Food TV Network there will be Iron Chef Cannibal, Bobby Flayed.

Until then, we can only dream of eating the dead.


Robert Steven Rhine

Publisher / Deaditor-in-Chief
Girls and Corpses Magazine


©2006 (reprinted only with permission of author)