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R.S. Rhine
©2006 reprinting is forbidden without the permission of Girls and Corpses Magazine

What's up with the luck of the Irish? Are they really that lucky? Remember, the great potato famine? The War in Northern Ireland? If the Irish are so lucky, why didn't they take those potatoes, invent french fries and make a fortune? How about those shamrock's? Every try to find a four leaf clover? Good luck. Or, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

As a young laddy, after it rained, I would try to find where the rainbow led. Every try doing that? Judy Garland did and wound up in a tornado of hurt.

Was St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, all that lucky? Hmm... Let's see... He was arrested several times and sold into slavery at age sixteen. During his incarceration, like any good little convict, he found God. When he was freed, he devoted his life converting Pagans into Christians. Do you think those Pagans felt "lucky." Ever wonder how they "converted" folks in 461 AD? I guarantee it was done with a tad more motivation than arm twisting.

The best thing St. Patrick supposedly did was giving a sermon that drove all the snakes out of Ireland (How big a truck would you need for that?!). So, why haven't we incorporated this snake lore into the holiday? Why don't we wear a snake around our neck, or eat snakes or something? Guys could paint their dicks green and stroll around with them hanging out, waiting for young lasses to pinch them. Now, that sounds like a holiday to be celebrated.

And why do we have to wear green? Actually, it's because St. Patrick went to the end of his rainbow on March 17th -- just a few days before the first day of spring. The first green of spring, get it? That's why you have to wear green on that day or risk humiliation from your co-workers who are permitted to slip their hands up your skirts to pinch your pot of gold.

Truth is, the only pot of gold I ever found at the end of the rainbow is marijuana. It's green, too. Could marijuana really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? It always was for me. A lot of folks make a ton of money with pot. It's our nations most lucrative cash crop. They even named a pot, Alcapulco Gold. So, next year, cover yourself in marijuana and dance past a couple of Irish cops and try your luck.

I traveled once to Ireland, expecting awful food and dour faces in dank smoky bars. But it was an amazing country with really friendly folks. Not too many Pagans around though. I think Guinness Beer should be considered their pot of gold. Brew you can chew.

But all I ever knew growing up about St. Patrick's Day was Lucky Charms. The cereal box was filled with four leaf clovers and packed with so much sugar you could wind up shooting your neighbor. Even better than the Twinkie defense! Then, there's that little leprechaun on the cover of the cereal box always dancing around looking for a fight. Trust me... it's the sugar.

So, what does St. Patrick's Day mean today? Drinking, punching and puking? That's right, you must wear green or some loser pinches your ass, guaranteed to start a fight when you're drunk. I mean, what else do we do on St. Patrick's Day but drink ourselves into a coma, or get a drunk driving ticket, or get a drunk redhead into our car to play with your Lucky Charms? (And speaking of redheads, wait until you get a load of Wendy Kremer in our pictorial, who went read head for our issue).

But for us at Girls and Corpses Magazine, St. Patrick's Day holds great significance, and not just because our corpses are green. That's because this is our first celebrity issue! We told you it was coming. The stench of fame. And our corpses are clapping with rotting glee to have two very sexy actresses to grace our cover: Blond gone redhead Wendy Kremer and brunette bombshell, Christa Campbell, the two female stars of the en-gross-ing new film, "2001 Maniacs.

Director Tim Sullivan even showed up for our cover shoot and submitted to an interview. Then, the writer and producer arrived. And we were charmed until we realized that they were starved and just coming for the donuts and pizza and were really just broke and homeless. So, we hope that you all go out and rent, or buy, 2001 Maniacs. And not just because it's a sick, rollicking good time. But because these guys really really need to eat.

So, in retrospect, I guess we were lucky, after all, to have these two beauties on our cover. Now, I'm going to smoke a pot of gold and find the end of my rainbow.

And Christa and Wendy... I must try one more time... "Wanna play with my Lucky Charms?... they're magically delicious."

R.S. Rhine

Publisher / Deaditor-in-Chief
Girls and Corpses Magazine


©2006 (reprinted only with permission of author)

issue #5