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G&C: How did you become interested in dead bodies? Was it those dead frogs in science class?
KK: No, it was actually an old girlfriend with very dark sexual tendencies. She loved sex in cemeteries, funeral homes, and on one occasion, The Psycho House on the Universal Studios tour. She was more apt to be bent over a tombstone with her skirt up over her head then a normal romp in my bed. My friends use to call her the Succubus. We would have these all night sessions that would leave me practically lifeless the next day. So that's how she became known to my friends. She just about sucked the life out of you.
G&C: Have you worked as a mortician, doing autopsies, or do you just specialize in all things dead?
KK: I actually got my start procuring road kill for the annual Road Kill Calendar and now I'm procuring corpses for the Girls and Corpses Calendar. Click here to order. I have been dealing with the dead long enough that I do get asked to consult on autopsies from time to time, or procure corpses or bones for various Television Shows or Films. In fact I have a little known secret that Hollywood doesn't want people to know about.
The corpses on those CSI shows are real!
It's much cheaper to use a real body than to get the special effects guys to make one, so they contact me and I set them up with a body from the morgue. When they are done shooting, I pick it up and it goes back in the freezer. I make money, the morgue attendant makes money and the studio gets a real corpse. And we all know that real is what the public wants. In fact, most people can spot a fake corpse a mile away, that's why Hollywood uses real corpses. They just don't advertise the fact.
G&C: Are you an average normal guy... or do you get a stiffy when you pass a graveyard?
KK: Yeah, I'm an average guy. Yes, I do get a stiffy walking past a graveyard. I can't help but think there maybe some young lady in there that's willing to help me relive my past. Any takers?
G&C: We understand that some of the corpses you get from overseas, Argentina, Brazil and Equador, in trade for toiletries and boxes of Chickletts. So, where do you get the corpses?
KK: Mostly Equador and Costa Rica. There are also some Eastern Bloc Countries that I'm not at liberty to reveal. I am currently involved in a "Fair Trade" agreement with various groups of individuals in regards to procuring dead bodies. In addition to toiletries and gum, blue jeans and comic books are a form of corpse currency. In fact, I was able to trade a mint condition, autographed copy, of "Satan's 3-Ring Circus of Hell for five newly interred corpses.
G&C: Isn't that illegal?
KK: Only if you are caught.
G&C: Do you have a refridgeration room or just use your home fridge?
KK: I have one of those huge subzero units that they feature on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
G&C: Do you clean out the bodies before photographed for Girls and Corpses Magazine. What process do you go through?
KK: No, not usually. For the safety of our models, we give the corpses a Pinesol bath just before we start principle photography.
G&C: How do you keep the corpses fresh for the shoot? Lysol and Lemon Pledge? On the set, how much incense to you go through?
KK: No, just the Pinesol. Ninety Percent of the times we hang one of those Christmas Tree Air Fresheners around the neck of the corpse. We then photoshop it out during the editing process.
G&C: Do your neighbors ever complain of the smell? How do you cover for that?
KK: No, I live out in the country. If you've ever been to a farm, it always smells. My neighbors have no idea what's going on.
G&C: Have the police ever arrested you for harboring dead bodies?
KK: No, not yet. In fact, it's my connections in the department that allow me to supply corpses to the CSI television shows.
G&C: When you go to a funeral are you always eyeing the body and thinking of cutting a deal with the bereaved?
KK: No, the bereaved really don't want their Grandpa Al posing with hot chicks. Grandpa Al would love it, but not his family. That's why I cut my deals with the funeral homes.
G&C: You say you have a secret recipe for embalming. What is it --- and it it good over chicken?
KK: It's basically a mixture of formaldehyde and believe it or not, Soy Sauce. It keeps the corpses "Marinated" and pliable for the Girls and Corpses photo shoots.
G&C: Regarding corpse auditions. How does that work? Is it like America Idol for corpses?
KK: Sort of. I get a memo describing the photo shoot and then it's up to me to find a body that fits the bill. An example would be our Valentine's Day shoot. We needed a heart for the model to eat and so it made sense to borrow an Autopsy corpse for a couple of hours and make use of his heart as well. Kind of like killing two birds with one stone.
G&C: Have you ever been caught digging up bodies? Were you embarrassed or arrested?
KK: I only dig up a body if we have need of a really old decrepit corpse, and I'm very careful about it. Other than that, I go through my normal corpse channels.
G&C: We've heard that you have trouble keeping gardeners. What have they seen that has scared them away?
KK: I left the barn door open one day and our gardener saw a bunch of bodies that I was ready to dry out. I have a dry sauna room that I pump hot air into which in turn circulates throughout the room with the aid of fans. It works like those do it yourself beef jerky machines, turning the corpses into leathery goodness. I was lucky the gardener didn't call the cops on me.
G&C: We noticed some corpses inside you house. Ummmm... why? Do you consider them your friends? Do you talk to them?
KK: No, nothing that crazy. I bring them inside if it's going to be below freezing at night. If the corpses freeze and then thaw out, they become mushy, and as a result, it makes them much harder to handle for the photo shoots.
G&C: Ever visited a psychiatrist? And if not -- why not?
KK: Why, I'm not crazy.
G&C: Have you ever met Ed Gein and if you did, what would you say to him?
KK: We are actually distantly related. Unfortunately, I never got a chance to meet him, he died before I was born. I would have liked to ask him how he tanned the skin for his Dead Skin Face Mask.
G&C: How many corpses do your store at a time? Also, do you keep heads and limbs around for smaller jobs, or lawn bowling?
KK: I keep around a dozen of the freeze dried variety at any given time, plus various body parts. They are also fun to use as practical jokes. Last week I strapped a corpse in the front seat of my car so I could drive in the carpool lane.
G&C: Tell us you funniest corpse story.
KK: Well, remember my ex girlfriend from earlier in the interview? Well, she was working the graveyard shift at the Dept of Coroner and I would go over and we would mess around on the autopsy table etc.. One night we were getting it on hot and heavy and we heard someone coming. I didn't want to get her fired, so I jumped up on one of those trays that slides into those storage boxes for dead bodies and covered myself with the sheet. She then slid me into the locker. It turned out the person coming in was her boss. Luckily he didn't find me. If he had opened the locker he would have seen me pitching a tent in that sheet.
G&C: What's your most frightening Corpses experience.
KK: Hearing the corpses farting. Gas builds up in the body after death, and sometimes the corpses fart while you are handling them. Whenever that happens during one of our Girls and Corpses photo shoot, I look at the models as if they were the ones who did it. It's funny because they get really embarrassed. But if you hear it while you are alone with the corpse, it can be scary. They make all sorts of weird noises while they are dead.
G&C: Can anyone donate their bodies for inclusion in the magazine?
KK: Sure. All they have to do is sign the traditional waiver.
G&C: Can we have your body when you're through with it?
KK:Sure, I was going to donate my organs to science (because I'm really proud of my organ), but yeah. If I can continue to hang out with hot chicks in death, why the hell not?
G&C: Can our readers buy bodies and parts from you and if so, how? We promise to not tell.
KK: Just contact me through my website or my MySpace page.
For more info on Kevin Klemm visit his cyrpt at: www.edgeincollection.com
The small print:
* Important Note from the Deaditor-In-Chief:
If you are the FBI or local police or right wing congressman looking for a lynching you've come to the wrong place. What you have read above is pure fiction, bull pucky, pure mularky and cocky-doody. And if you are still having trouble comprehending that fact or this magazine content we kindly suggest you check out this link: Diploma
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