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Tom Green

"The Thinking Man's Comedian"

Interview by R.S. Rhine


issue #13

Thank you Tom for joining us for our Girls and Corpses Thanksgiving issue... and on crutches, nonetheless. By the way, you make a really good head on a platter. So... our readers want to know:

G&C: What is a Tom Green?

TG: It is a device used for strangling chickens.

G&C: Where did it all begin and how will it end?

TG: Are we talking about the planet I'm assuming? With a bang.

G&C: Describe your life in rap.

TG: My name is Tom Green, I like to make shows, I like to dribble liquid, out of my nose, I like to talk to people, on webovision, and if you don't like it, then that sucks.

G&C: Why did you name it the Tom Green Show?

TG: We called it The Tom Green Show when we started it in 1994. We didn't want to make some goofy name, so we just gave the show a simple conservative name. We like the contrast, the conservative name to the silly show. Also, we are not very creative. SO we had a hard time coming up with a better name.

G&C: Have you ever kissed a corpse? Would you?

TG: Not a human corpse. Although, I have tried CPR in an attempt to revive a dead red tailed hawk. Unfortunately, the hawk passed away.

G&C: You have dated some of the most attractive women in the world. Did you drug them?

TG: No, they took care of that by themselves.

G&C: How often do you masturbate?

TG: Less than I used to, but more than I thought I would. As an adult, I am sometimes suprised that this hobby has not faded more into the background.

G&C: If you had a twin, would you follow each other around with cameras?

TG: Probably not. I can't imagine why anyone would need to see two of me.

G&C: What female star would be the most likely not to have sex with you?

TG: All of them. I got the female celebrity idea out of my system pretty quickly, when I moved to Hollywood. I like normal people now. I can hang with celebrities, but only for about ten or fifteen minutes at a time.

G&C: If you weren't a stand up comedian, would you just be a funny dentist?

TG: Yes.

G&C: What guest would you most like to have on your talk show and why?

TG: I like funny people who like to talk. So, anybody who is really funny. Maybe Jim Carrey? Or perhaps Dick Cheney.

G&C: Tell us about your new show on the internet. Why the internet? Is it really, as Gore recently said, the information superhighway of the future?

TG: Yes it is. And that is why? I am having more fun doing this show on the internet than I ever have before on my show. This is complete creative freedom. We can do what we want, say what we want. We are having a blast.

G&C: Are you planning any more movies in the near future? Will they be historical epics like "Freddie Got Fingered" -- or comedies?

TG: I just finished writing and directing a feature film. It is called Prankstar, and it will be coming out sometime this year. It's awesome.

G&C: We can't wait to see it! Speaking of Freddie Got Fingered, what does a cow udder taste like?

TG: Milk.

G&C: Would you ever make a bovine porn movie?

TG: I have, and I will again.

G&C: Would you ever like to test a nuclear device?

TG: Yes, I would like to detonate a nuclear device inside the asshole of whoever wrote these questions.

G&C: Thanks for the interview Tom, I would like to say in clos... BA-BOOOOOM!!!